People are Beautiful- 4 Stages

Just when I needed it, I was reminded that people are so beautiful. Life and people can be very ugly, but this ugliness is so often accompanied by beauty. And beauty by ugliness. They are wrapped up in each other. People are probably the most disgusting and wonderful examples of this relationship.

So today we met some our friends at the park by my house. Loren had the shakes pretty bad. I asked him what was wrong and tried to get him to eat. He wouldn't eat anything but a couple small bites that I practically forced on him. He told me later that he didn't want to eat because he would throw it up. He didn't have enough alcohol in his body. "I'm a fool," he told me many times. His dad died at age 44 from cirrhosis of the liver. Loren is 38.

He told me a lot of things. He saw Tombstone on TV a while ago. He saw the scene where the people dressed up to go to a funeral. He watched them lower the casket into the ground and he remembered his fathers funeral. "I don't want to do that to my family." He spent a night in the hospital with his father when he was dying and saw his abdomen distend before his eyes.

He remembered when he first started living on the streets. He hated it at first. There weren't any resources. He didn't know how people lived. He called this the first stage. The second stage set in when he got used to it. And finally, in the third stage, he had begun to like it. He told Nik and I he has the opportunity to get treatment. He was fed up with himself for accepting the life he had, so I asked, "Is there a fourth stage?"

"Death." I felt my body freeze. And after a pause, "Death...Jail...A bad accident."

I was hoping he would say, "Change" or "Getting into the respite center." He knows there's help available to him. He just mentioned a way out! But death seemed more likely.

How disgusting! How beautiful! How honored and humbled I was to hear what he had to say. When people open up to you, show you their open wounds, you should recognize that you are being honored.

He talked about all the beautiful things he had seen in this county. A lightning bolt that shook the windows of a house and the thick hail that followed seconds later. A sunset when be clouds burst and the sunlight shot through. Four rainbows at once during El Nino seen through a jail window.

A lot of the time he had tears in his eyes. And another homeless friend gave us each a tangerine that he and Loren had worked together to pick.

Pretty Amazing

The previous two wednesdays I haven't really felt like going out to Union. I have been tiered and really just wanted to stay in my house and relax. But this wednesday (8-26-09) I had a better attitude. I was looking forward to going out and didn't mind leaving my house. It was a good thing I did because if I hadn't, I could have missed out on what may turn out to be one of the most meaningful experiences in my life.

I was talking to John about his daughter who died a little over a year ago of cancer. In the three months leading up to her death, John didn't see her. He found out about her death the day after it happened. She had two children who now live with there aunt. I asked John if he ever saw them. He told me there aunt didn't like him coming around. (John is addicted to alcohol.) I told him my mom did the same thing with my dad who is also an addict. As we continued to talk about my dad I told John that I loved my dad very much but that it made me sad that he wasn't a part of my life. I think it will be easier when he is dead because while he is alive, there is always a hope that he will get better and be my dad. But he doesn't get better and that makes me very sad. When he is dead, that will be the end of it. Nothing can change and I can mourn and put the whole thing to rest.

John asked me why I keep on hoping for something that will never happen meaning my dad getting better. I told him I thought my dad really did want to get better because whenever I am around him he's always apologizing. By this time John was already teary eyed from talking about his daughter and I was starting up too. He asked me, "Do you know why he's apologizing? Do you know what he's apologizing for" He asked me calmly several times as I shook my head and tears welled up in my eyes as they were in his. "He's not apologizing for that (his addiction). He loves you so much. He's apologizing for all the love he didn't give you and not doing right for you." We were both crying and he leaned over and hugged me saying, "I'm so sorry" again and again as we held onto each other.

I don't know if I'll ever confront my father with how much pain I feel regarding him. But I got to talk to John. John has done the same thing to his family. Maybe he didn't get a chance to tell his daughter that he was so sorry he didn't give her all the love he had in his heart for her. But he got to tell me and I hope that gives him the same comfort that he gave to me.